“How exactly did it come to this?” The gangly, talentless Hollywood film star spread his arms at the end of the table as his pneumatically blonde wife looked on, attempting to do her serious face. The Alt20 summit was in full session, leaders from the world’s top branches of woo in an emergency session to determine what could be done about the failing, er, wooconomy.

“Let’s look at the whole picture,” said the holistic therapist. “We’re facing a...”

“Gaia is angry.”

“Shut up Lovelock.”

“Now she’s angrier.”

The holistician glared. “Yes, well the way I see it we’re facing a lack of confidence that’s rippling through the wooconomy. People have lost faith in capi... I mean alt-med. I blame facts.”