Hello dearest internet nutters and demi-gods alike,

Have you missed me? I'm sure you're bored of me apologising for not being able to blog daily, even my Twitter feed has been running a bit dry as of late, so I'll just crack on with the meaty post, shall I? (Incidentally, vegetarianism is doing well, euphemisms shall continue as normal... normal for me anyway).

This blog post has been brought to you today by the number 4.

4 is the number of points I shall be making, and point 4 happens to be the most important point in this post - there's actually little point in reading all this, you may as well skip to the end. But for all you love starved, insignificant, and lonely souls out there, you may take solace in the three points leading up to the incredible, mysterious, and downright genius that we have lovingly come to know as 4.

The question I have been asked several times over the last few weeks by several of my single friends can be translated thus:

"How can I get the object of my affections to go out with me?"

An excellent question, one that has plagued mankind since we humans invented the morals that god gave us. Back in the olden days, when the Bible was being written, a man could just rape a woman and he owned her. Not so in these enlightened times. Now men and woman have to be clever about it. This is where my single friends think I come in:

1. Get their attention

The first thing you need to consider is why the hell would they want anything to do with you - you who chooses to read dating tips ON THE INTERNET? It's likely that they have some level of intelligence, are probably at least moderately attractive, maybe even a joy to be around? Yeah, sure, they might not be perfect, but they'd be perfect for you if only they gave you a chance...

Figure that out, maybe get 4 or 5 personal qualities that could be spun favourably to put you in a good light. Do something that catches their eye, turns their head a bit. If you can't think of anything, then do us all a favour and just give up. Alternatively, ask a few friends about your good qualities. If they're nice, they'll have loads to say but if they're really good friends, maybe ask a colleague.

2. Flirt outrageously

I see you've carried on reading... Great. You have potential. Now you have to turn on the charm a bit and flirt with them. This is easy, you can find loads of tips on flirting. Pretty much: Women, play with your hair. Men, listen to what she's talking about and respond accordingly.

3. Start a fake bidding war

This is my favourite. You're basically going back on all the flirting effort you've put in to make them work a bit for your attention. It is important to maintain a minimal level of contact. Just enough to keep them interested.

You may want to ask a friend to help you out here. They can be the fake bidder, the object of your affections is the real bidder, and you, my sumptuous bundle of manipulative love, are the prize. You and your fake bidder will only need to flirt when you know that the person you are imagining spending the rest of your life with real bidder is watching. This should drive the stakes up, and it can possibly lead to them flirting even more outrageously for your affections than you had ever considered.

4. The most important point, so important in fact, that I had to white it out for your own protection:

ASK THEM OUT YOU NUMBNUT!<-- Answer concealed within the apparently empty space.

Next week: How (not) to handle rejection