The Unfriendly Atheist is a new semi-regular agony aunt column by Carmen, helping you with all the problems and dilemmas of a modern atheist!
Hello dear readers!
Absolutely spiffing news today for those that aren’t blessed with my incredibly saccharine nature: According to recent research, children who eat sweets and chocolates every day are more likely to be violent later in life! At last, a solution to every concerned Atheist with children who has ever asked the question “What if my kids just aren’t cut out for Atheism?”
[Cardiff University] found that 69 per cent of those who had a conviction for a violent offence by the age of 34 had eaten sweets and chocolates daily, compared to just 42 per cent of those without such a conviction.
Now that we are able to induce violent, psychopathic behaviour in our wonderful children, we need to think about how to get those conviction rates down – don’t forget that the term “criminal” only applies to those that get caught!
There are so-called “constructive” ways to do this. You could take up martial arts, listen to heavy metal, maybe even join the EDL. But why corrupt the joy of spreading chaos and mayhem with an agenda when you can appreciate immoral conduct in its own right. After all, one of the Atheists best-loved slogans is “Just be good for goodness’ sake”. Be good at expressing your anger because YOU want to be, don’t hide it because some “deity” tells you it’s naughty. And be rational about the sort of crimes you want to get involved in. Always remember that if you are serious about being a long-term atheist, you need to think about the bigger picture. Missing out on a juicy chance to injure today may be wise in order for you to grab that golden opportunity tomorrow.
For the foreseeable future, I will be here to help solve any Atheist problems you may be struggling with.
Do you sometimes wonder if it’s more productive to have an abortion, or smoke whilst pregnant? Is there a god-botherer in your local area that just won’t shut up about “being a nice person”? What’s the best resource for indoctrinating innocent children with balanced and philosophical discourse so that they turn into intelligent, mature, and better looking adults?
For all this and more, feel free to contact me via Twitter: @Carmenego, or in the comments below.
Yours truly,
The Un-Friendly Atheist.
http://layscience.net/trackback/659
Deat Un-Friendly Atheist, this comment has piqued my interest: "be rational about the sort of crimes you want to get involved in."
I would love to hear more about which crimes are worth committing. I'm thinking something in the area of theft or fraud, but wonder how to maximise both the profits from any potential crime and the amount of misery would be caused to others. If you can find something that also minimises the risk of my being caught (and especially jailed) then that would be great
Hope you can help!
Like all atheists, I fill the dry husk-like spiritual, moral and emotional void left within myself by the absence of the one true god with an over-inflated self-opinion, egocentricity and radiant smugness. My quandry is thus: is my penchant for self-harm therefore a sin against the godhead of my own ego? Please help me before I stray from the path of benign selfishness.
Dearest Mademoiselle Ego,
If only I had found you earlier I would not have spent so many hours searching my soul; wandering on dreary, wind-swept moors and otherwise sunk in gloom, despair, penury etc. Now I am free at last to pursue the career of careless sin for which I have always longed. Bless you, dear Lady, I thank you from the bottom of my vault.
One other thing: what do I do now? I await your wise reply.